UPU Result.

UPU result.

(Diary entry)

Receiving news that I got accepted into medical school was a really a-weird-mix-feeling one. Of course, it is beyond my own expectation but still, syukur Alhamdulillah upon the chance that Allah S.W.T gives. This is maybe prior of a convince feeling of mine that I won't be accepted, after finishing all the interview sessions last month. (Look how small my thoughts are compared to what Allah has decided for me.)

I remember I finished my interview-weeks first and just then, Bahagian Kemasukan Pelajar IPTA (UPU) opened its Fasa Pengemaskinian & Fasa Permohonan Baharu. So, we have been given a kinda 'second chance' to update our course list, except the one that we have been interviewed with. By that time, I would like to say that I changed the list with updated mind & new purpose for the nth time.

I told myself, " Okay so if being a doctor is not for me, I might consider this and this. This will be less stressing anyway. I think I can do this and this course. "

That was my mindset back then. Plus there is special du'a that 'following' me, these few months too.

" O Allah, indeed, You know me very well. Here, I seek guidance from You, to show me a right path for me, specifically in which journey should I head to regarding my studies after this Ya Allah. You are All Knowing, You are All Hearing. If medical field is really for me, make it ease Ya Allah. If this field can lead me to become a better person, who can contribute something for my own self, for my own country and yakni for Islam, give me a chance to become one, Ya Allah. But if this is not for me, show me which suit me the most Ya Allah. "

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After getting UPU result, that was where I began felt confused (vague but not ungrateful.) I don't know is this the answer that I am searching for… because it could be that Allah SWT answering my du'a soon, not now or maybe He will grant me in the future, or even more at hereafter. That’s what I thought again. “Is getting accepted to medical school is really the answer of my du'a?” I am happy yet overwhelming because of this matter, considering how overthinking I always be, all the time. However, I embraced the thought of "If he doesn’t think I can't do it, then He won't give. But the thing here, Allah SWT gives. And He gives perhaps because He knows I can do it."

Because of that, I started to build up my confidence again. “Chin up and think straight. Yakeen with the decision given by Allah SWT and rethink back, the purpose of you, want to become a doctor.”

It's a huge title and becoming one does bring a heavy responsibility. I might say I am not that confident, but I guess this is a test from Allah SWT too because everything happened in this dunya is a form of test, & every test have its own khayr (goodness) that I should ponder upon it. Indeed, everything revolves around us, Allah SWT has brought His bounty rahmah & hikmah too.

I understand that my heart, is having a hard time regarding this (the act of accepting my flaws and accepting my feeling as human-being) but I believe again, that He will guide me along the way if I constantly purify my heart and niyyah, insyaAllah.

What awe me more is that today, I happened to read a story of Prophet Musa A.S who get to meet Allah SWT. (Referring to Suratul Al-Qasas, ayaah number 30 till 35.) When Allah SWT asks him to go and see Pharaoh with credentials (mukjizat) that given to him, Nabi Musa A.S is concern (and fear) over some things. He immediately seeks help yakni du’a to Allah SWT regards that and because of his sincere plead, Allah SWT grant his du’a right away (where Allah SWT strengthen his arm through his brother, Prophet Harun A.S and grant them both supremacies so that bad people will not reach them.)

And I guess that is how I understand my heart and start to learn mending it. Ultimately, indeed the goal is to obtain a Qalbun Saleem (a sound heart.)

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Semoga Ariena dapat menghabiskan pengajiannya sebagai pelajar perubatan selama 5 tahun (+2 housemanship years) dengan sukses, dan seterusnya menjadi seorang doktor yang berakhlak mulia. Ameen.

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Crucial first step of understanding my heart is inspired prior reading Light For  The Lost Soul by MizzNina. May Allah grant her greatest abundance, as many as benefits that people get, coming from this book. Ameen.